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Dear Buck,
Is magnetic north west or east of true north? Is true south more true than true north? Is due south ever overdue? I’m losing my bearings. Truly.

Scary Grant, North by Northwest and slipping sideways.

Neither, to a true southerner, yes. To a true northerner, yes. Yes, you are.

Dear Buck,
My Mum says I eat like a bird. Since my science teacher says birds eat up to 20% of their weight daily, can I have another box of Twinkies?

Robin, In Voluntary Service to A Masked Man

Yes, one serving will meet the daily maximum requirement of suet.

Dear Buck,
Have you ever tasted cat food? You can lose nine lives just smelling that meat byproduct. What exactly is a "meat byproduct"? Do you know a good attorney?

Morris, the Minor. Under Contract without Representation.

No. I don’t know. What is a good attorney?

Dear Buck,
Deer are everywhere. Why don’t they just abstain from sex like I have? Are they just animals or what?

Little Miss Tuffit, Sitting on Her Tuffit until She Gets Her Way.

It’s real tuff. Questions like yours are whey over their heads. Yes.

Dear Buck,
A Froggy went a-courting and he did try or sigh or cry but NOT, I repeat, fry, uh, huh.

Kermit, On a Different Gig

The original stanza had better tasting legs.

Dear Buck,
Do you know what a spotted owl tastes like, Buck? Somewhere between a peregrine falcon and a bald eagle! Ha, ha, just kidding, Buck. Gotcha.

B. Babbit, Dept. of Interior, A Politician Who Gives a Hoot.


Dear Buck,
I want a ham and egg sandwich but hold the egg, will you, Buck? It just doesn’t seem right.

Chicken Little, Just a Little Chicken.

Sorry, your request came through scrambled.

Answering Look
Dear Buck,
When passengers are asleep, the great gull talks to me and I feel I can do power dives at 30,000 feet. Do you think I can?

Capt. J. Livingston Seabutt, Drivers Seat, A Large Plane and still Climbing.

What airline did you say you flew for?

Dear Buck,
I’m writing this letter on behalf of my laboratory baboons. They have indicated that they will NOT mark any more donor cards unless they know who will be the recipient. They are quite clear about no Republicans or U.S. Supreme Court Justices. Separatists, maybe.

Dr. Papio, Le Baboon Bastille, Quebec.

Thanks for the update.

Dear Buck,
The "takings" clause in the Endangered Species Act is confusing. If I put an eagle’s nest in my neighbor’s tree, can I "take" his wife as well? Let me know before Friday night. The Elk’s Club has live music.

The Next Door Neighbor, Doesn’t Matter Which Side.

The legislative language is very specific about eagles but, with unlisted "birds", courts have allowed a little more give and "take".

Dear Buck,
The bears that are attacking tourists in national parks, what’s happening, man? Has Smokey gone bad? I get a little goofy too when I don’t smoke. Maybe he could use a little toke. Let me know. I’ll leave some out.

Commandant, Base camp – As High As It Gets Without A Mask

Please be a little more specific on your location.

Dear Buck,
My mom says I eat like a bird. Since birds don’t have teeth, why must I brush mine after eating?

Robin, The Boy Wonder of Spring.

Be a good boy and brush your beak at least once a day.

Dear Buck,
Does Rogaine re-grow tail feathers? After last hunting season, I seem to be missing a few. Either that or I’m just getting daffier.

D. Duck, Esq., Warner Brother Back Marsh.

I hate to be an ol’ fuddy duddy but no.

Dear Buck,
Don’t call me your little woman. I am not your little woman. I am nobody’s little woman.

Louisa May Alcott, I "R" Woman, Here Me Bore

Little men, listen up.

Dear Buck,
Oh, no. I think I used the wrong eggs for breakfast! Oh, no!

Mrs. Faberge, Official Hatch To The Throne, Imperial Margarine

Easy now, over easy now.

Dear Buck,
Smokey the Bear looks so fat. What does he eat?

Staff Publicist, Grade Level 10, NPS HQ WA DC

Grass, berries, nuts small animals and bear experts from major universities. Nutritionists suggest bears drop the latter due to their high fat content.

Dear Buck,
What do guides do once non-resident hunters like me go night-night?

B. Farnsworthy, Esq. Jr., On A Self-Discovery Safari

Contrary to popular belief, they are not getting gear ready for the next day. They are drinking around the campfire, laughing about the bozos in non-resident tents #1 & 2.

Dear Buck,
It’s time to rethink the traditional Thanksgiving meal. You know, the first meal was really a fast and the second dinner actually started out as lunch with venison as the special. When those Pilgrims who didn’t know their gorse from corn in the ground ate more than the law of physics intend-ed, Squanto had to lay on more deer meat. In light of this research, Buck, lets you and I lobby for a butterball Bambi with a red thing that pops out of HIS butt when done!

Hedda Gobbler, Hiding with the Wild Duck Behind Ibsen’s Doll House

I agree. We do not need more turkeys sent to the White House.

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